Cream of The Crap

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Posts Tagged ‘Angelina Jolie

Wanted

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or..ANgelina Jolie's Incredibly Long Arm

Wanted starts promising. It starts with awesome mind-bending bullet-through-the-sound-barrier technology they did for the Matrix. The bullet fired from miles away was bent, through the window, through the train, onto a human head. I was fed with the constant backsound of heartbeats that would turn Bruce Banner into Hulk.

Then Wanted shows Angelina Jolie, mother of 6, partner of Brad Pitt, kicking ass and shooting stuff.

Fuckin awesome, eh?

Then we are shown a group of assassins who kill whatever name comes up in the Loom of Fate.

Yes. The Loom of Fate.

No, it does not make Fruit of the Loom undies. It’s a mill machine that encode names in binary code into a fabric. 

How?? or an even better question, WHY???

There are more things to love about the movie than the absurd bits. I love Angelina in this movie. I usually like Morgan Freeman, but not this time. I love James McCavoy. I love the bullet through the head scenes. I love the high-adrenaline chases and the orientation beat-ups and the knife trainings.

Beware of the plot twist which goes something like, I AM YOUR FATHER!

Ha ha too late. It was written in the Loom of Fate

Dopeness factor: 4.0 out of 5.0

Written by strangelittlegirl

July 18, 2008 at 3:11 pm

Kung Fu Panda

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or..Politically Correct by Showing a Talking Panda Kungfu Master with PANTS

There is a reason why we love animated movies with talking animals in it. Because humans suck. Cause we animate movies, you know, just to have a Panda making noodles and doing kick ass kung fu.

Cause as much as we like fuckfest movies and dramas and torture porns, we LOVE cartoons! Theres a kid in every single one of us. And I love laughing at a joke that is not intelligent nor it is an innuendo. Just plain pandas getting kicked in the butt, or pandas falling down, or tigers getting sat on by a panda. Those things ARE funny!

Kung Fu Panda is sole animation mastery by DreamWorks, which had only been previously mastered by Pixar. There is very few memorable animations about talking animals. I hated The Wild, or Over the Hedge, or whatevers movie with talking animals interacting with humans. If you are going to make animals talk, you might as well dont have to be so correct by placing them with humans. You should make a whole city with animal residents! You should have rhinoceroses as prison wardens! Bunnies and pigs as citizens!

The story’s about Po, who is a waiter at a noodle joint and has a goose for a father (well i’d say hes adopted, but its a touchy subject). Po dreams of being a kung fu warrior and worships the Furious Five, the mightiest warriors of all China. The Furious Five is comprised of a tigress, a mantis, a snake, a baboon and a crane. Pure awesomeness!

Then one day, Po was accidentally chosen as the Dragon Warrior, destined to fight off the enemy that is coming at their village. At first, Po, a flabby Panda with a lovable sense of humor doubts that he is indeed the Dragon Warrior. So did everyone. But we know how these works right? We love the predictable family film formula about “believing in yourself and that there is nothing you cant do if you put you mind to it”. Right?

Dopeness fctor: 4.5 out of 5.0.

Awesome! You might be blind from all the awesomeness! Haha.

Written by strangelittlegirl

June 19, 2008 at 1:41 pm