Cream of The Crap

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Posts Tagged ‘WTF?

Crank 2: High Voltage

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Or: Jason Statham and His New Fetish (Okay that was bad)

Or: Jason Statham and His New Fetish (Okay that was bad)

People are gonna say a lot of things about this movie, and yeah, whatever, but I fucking love Chev Chelios. This movie is brainless and fun but it was intended this way, see? This is what makes it brilliant. It’s like fuckin Grand Theft Auto, without even having to actually make Grand Theft Auto. Crank 2: High Voltage by far surpasses the first movie. It’s louder, cruder (is that a word?) and dare i say this: better.

For the 3 people out there that did not like, or did not watch the fisrt Crank, Chev Chelios (played by Jason Statham) is a bad ass from Enghlandh (mispellings intended) that fell from a helicopter after surviving a chinese poison (yes, a poison) thats supposedly will make his heart stop if he ran out of adrenaline, thus buying him a perfect, justifiable escuse to do whatever the fuck he wants. In Crank 2, after he fell, he was scooped up and given an artificial heart, which has to be recharged every hour. Thus the plot ensue and we get to see Jason Statham wreck havoc, and makes my heart skip a beat. Crank 2 was so high on surrealism that they had to include montage scenes, title scenes that says “9 seconds later,” and cameos from porn stars.

I read that Crank 2 was shot by cheap cameras straight out of Best Buy, although they used 12 at a time and not afraid to destroy any if deemed necessary.  So you see kids? Cheap cameras + Jason Statham + Strippers + Mechanical Heart + Men’s nipples getting cut off (wait for it..its legendary) = GOOD TIME.

The Verdict: 5 out of 5.

I give it that because, ah hell, as much as I love war movies, holocaust movies, 2 hours of talking movies all those pretentious movies, but Crank 2 can’t be wrong. It blows your brain all over the place.

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Written by strangelittlegirl

May 11, 2009 at 5:47 pm

One Eyed Monster

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One Eyed Monster is a movie that you may have or havent heard of. For you that havent, its..well lets say you just need too see it with your own eyes.

YOU MUST WATCH THE TRAILER. PLEASE? Not (too) safe for work, unless you work for Vivid. 

Pure awesomeness.

Written by strangelittlegirl

April 20, 2009 at 1:52 pm

Posted in Movies

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Asian Horror Movies: One Missed Call and A Tale of Two Sisters.

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Happy new year, everyone! I know its been ages since i last wrote (this is the same thing i say all the time) But! Behold! I havent been writing because I’ve been busy! Am I not busy now? While that’s arguable, I just wanted to say that I watched 2 Asian horror movies this past days (on Youtube, while at work), and I need to write it out, so those pale skinny women with long hair, err rephrase: pale skinny women with long hair and DEAD! would stop nagging me.

Chakushin Ari

or...Ooops! I Missed My Date

The first movie I watched is called One Missed Call. This is the original Japanese version, not the Americanized hollywood crap. It also goes by the name Chakushin Ari, which I really like saying because One Missed Call does NOT sound like a horror movie. It sounds like a movie about someone getting duped on a date, or missing a test, or missing an important call from a  client.

So the movie is  a missed call that gives a message about the impending death of its victim.

I Know. I Knoooow.

I’ll proceed. The message is time stamped in the future, and an unseen force is supposedly causing these deaths. What’s really bothering me, is the execution of this already flawed formula. The movie just had to go and rationalize the murders just so that the murders can happen. The hospital scene was very very weird.

Weird is putting it lightly. WHAT THE FUCK? is more like it.

The story clearly did not bother finding a decent plot to fill out the gaps. Instead it just left it there, gaps with pus oozing out. I think this movie is crap and Hollywood remade a crappy movie, which just made it even crappier. While I really like Kou Shibasaki (who plays the lead character), I think she’s more suitable for a J-Drama, namely the one with Takuya Kimura on that drama about flying airplanes and she was the technician and she and Takuya finally kissed after that long hour flight..and..

I sound like a geek. Do not worry, I only happen to know one J Drama.

Dopeness factor: 1.5 out of 5.0

Lotus and Rose

or..Adolescents on Heavy Flow Days

The second movie, a gem from Korea, goes by the name of a Tale of Two sisters. Now this is some good shit! The horror was believable, the casts were solid, the performances stunning, the story smooth, slow-paced and very very well thought out. I loved it!

It tells the story of two sisters, where one just got back from a mental hospital following her mother’s death. Back at home, the sisters learned that the father had remarried another woman, their mother’s former nurse. Thus, a battle of wills began when strange things are happening in their house.

The score is just gorgeous. This one is a must see. And oh yeah, the Americans already made a remake, called The Uninvited, it will be out this year, and yeah, I’ll be watching. Maybe. On DVD, pirated DVD.

Ah fuck it, the Americans are lucky if I even torrent their shit.

Dopeness factor: 5.0 out of 5.0 A-fuckin-mazing!

Written by strangelittlegirl

January 20, 2009 at 3:15 pm

No Country For Old Men

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or..WHO YOU BE CALLING OLD *PEW PEW*

No Country for Old Men is about finding money that does not belong to you and trying to outrun a a guy that looks like Snape (played by Javier Bardem). For a movie that lacks soundtracks, it is compelling. It’s dramatic angle shots one after another.

Okay let me stop trying to pretend I know shit about dramatic angle shots.

I watched this so called masterpiece about a month ago or so. Apparently this movie received an overwhelming response, so i thought Id see it. This movie is bland but effin brilliant. Of course, we are all only interested in Anton Chigurh and his captive bolt pistol. Man, I wish I had one of those.

Dopeness factor: 5.0 out of 5.0

(This is partly because everyone said so. But also for the damn creative uses of the captive bolt pistol)

Written by strangelittlegirl

October 7, 2008 at 2:12 pm

Wanted

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or..ANgelina Jolie's Incredibly Long Arm

Wanted starts promising. It starts with awesome mind-bending bullet-through-the-sound-barrier technology they did for the Matrix. The bullet fired from miles away was bent, through the window, through the train, onto a human head. I was fed with the constant backsound of heartbeats that would turn Bruce Banner into Hulk.

Then Wanted shows Angelina Jolie, mother of 6, partner of Brad Pitt, kicking ass and shooting stuff.

Fuckin awesome, eh?

Then we are shown a group of assassins who kill whatever name comes up in the Loom of Fate.

Yes. The Loom of Fate.

No, it does not make Fruit of the Loom undies. It’s a mill machine that encode names in binary code into a fabric. 

How?? or an even better question, WHY???

There are more things to love about the movie than the absurd bits. I love Angelina in this movie. I usually like Morgan Freeman, but not this time. I love James McCavoy. I love the bullet through the head scenes. I love the high-adrenaline chases and the orientation beat-ups and the knife trainings.

Beware of the plot twist which goes something like, I AM YOUR FATHER!

Ha ha too late. It was written in the Loom of Fate

Dopeness factor: 4.0 out of 5.0

Written by strangelittlegirl

July 18, 2008 at 3:11 pm

Shortbus

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You\'ve to Get On to Get Off

or...How Happy People Can Still Be with AIDS

Shortbus is porn! Dont let the movie review sites make you believe otherwise. But what kind of porn is it though? If youre looking for a guy performing self-fellatio while getting watched across the building porn, then go on right ahead. 

This movie, as uncomforting and cringing and makes me resize my DVD player window to a indiscernible size as it is, carries out decent conversations (when the characters are not having sex) and have actually won awards at film festivals (winning multiple awards at the Athens, Zurich, and Gijon Film Festivals). And a standing ovation too! I guess people were amzed at the directors accomplishment to show that many naked people without anybody in the audience getting a hard on.

Pretty good for an under $2 million budgeted porn with virtually unknown cast right? I bet half of the money goes to buy STD vaccines for the cast & crew. Cause with so much sex in the air, you’d feel like could catch a disease by watching this movie.

This movie has pretty decent conversations and a killer soundtrack 

This movie deserves a 3.0 out of 5.0 dope. For the curiosity factor, and for the beautiful soft gay butts you know you want to hump.

Oh just watch the trailer below:

Written by strangelittlegirl

June 12, 2008 at 4:18 pm